Wikipedia:Featured article candidates/Susanna Hoffs/archive1

Susanna Hoffs[edit]

Featured article candidates/Susanna Hoffs/archive1

Nominator(s): BennyOnTheLoose (talk) 16:13, 7 May 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Susannah Hoffs is probably best known as a member of popular music group the Bangles; she co-wrote their hit "Eternal Flame". Her cinematic career has been less successful than her musical endeavours, which have included several solo albums and collaborations. In 2023 her novel This Bird Has Flown was well-received by critics. All suggestions for improvements to the article are appreciated. Regards, BennyOnTheLoose (talk) 16:13, 7 May 2024 (UTC)[reply]

750h[edit]

Comments to come soon. 750 h+ 09:57, 17 May 2024 (UTC)[reply]

lead

Considering, as per the "Early life" section, her middle name is "Lee", why isn't this mentioned in the lead ("Susanna Hoffs (born January 17, 1959) is an American singer, guitarist," ==> "Susanna Lee Hoffs (born January 17, 1959) is an American singer, guitarist,")
Following tensions and resentment of Hoffs's perceived leadership, the band split in 1989, reformed in 1999 and released albums in 2003 and 2011. add a comma after "1999".
and formed the faux British 1960s band Ming Tea, with Mike Myers and Matthew Sweet comma unneeded

Added "Lee" and made the comma changes. BennyOnTheLoose (talk) 16:39, 17 May 2024 (UTC)[reply]

early career

with sisters Vicki and Debbi Peterson, and shared a house should there be a comma?

Removed. BennyOnTheLoose (talk) 16:39, 17 May 2024 (UTC)[reply]

the bangles

recounted that she had been looking at selected members of the crowd, to counter is the a comma needed?
He attended some of the group's concerts, and occasionally comma needed?

Both removed. BennyOnTheLoose (talk) 16:39, 17 May 2024 (UTC)[reply]

solo career

Prior to leaving Columbia Records, Hoffs Change "prior to" to "before" for conciseness
Hoffs's fourth studio album, was release on Baroque Folk Records in 2021. change "release" to "released".
The album includes interpretations of the Rolling Stones, Squeeze, Lesley Gore and received should have an "and" before Lesley Gore.

Made these changes. BennyOnTheLoose (talk) 16:39, 17 May 2024 (UTC)[reply]

other collaborations

The trio made a number of club and TV... change "a number of" to something like numerous/several/many

I've changed this to "The trio played live at nightclubs in Los Angeles."; sources focus on club rather than TV appearances, but none that I've seen quantify it. BennyOnTheLoose (talk) 16:39, 17 May 2024 (UTC)[reply]

that's all from me. solid work. 750 h+ 10:12, 17 May 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Much appreciated, 750h+. Let me know if anything else is required. Regards, BennyOnTheLoose (talk) 16:39, 17 May 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Support 750 h+ 00:34, 18 May 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Pseud 14[edit]

Per MOS:ROLEBIO, we should only use her most notable roles, which I think is American singer-songwriter and actress and the other sundry roles can be listed in the infobox (which they already are).
and number one "Walk Like an Egyptian" -- and number one single
included the US top-ten hit -- we should avoid using terms like "hit"
and released albums in 2003 and 2011. -- perhaps the albums can be named here, as it appears that have wiki articles.

Started looking at the lead for now. Will endeavor to complete over the weekend. Pseud 14 (talk) 20:31, 24 May 2024 (UTC)[reply]

I amended the lead per the points above. BennyOnTheLoose (talk) 19:09, 30 May 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Changes on the lead looks good. Pseud 14 (talk) 01:44, 31 May 2024 (UTC)[reply]

More comments:

She is the couple's only daughter; they also have two sons John and Jesse -- I think a colon is needed after sons
and noted that while her mother was religious and kept kosher, -- and said that while her mother...
Her maternal grandfather Ralph Simon was a rabbi in Chicago and her maternal uncle Matthew Simon was rabbi emeritus -- Her maternal grandfather, Ralph Simon, was a rabbi in Chicago and her maternal uncle, Matthew Simon, was rabbi emeritus
she and then-boyfriend David Roback (a former schoolmate from Palisades High School) -- I think you can remove the parenthethical and use commas instead
She said that the first real performance was with the Bangles -- I would link this first instance of the Bangles, and remove the link from "The Bangs" section
Meanwhile, Annette Zilinskas joined as the bass player -- link bass
In 1983, the group signed to Columbia Records -- the group was signed to Columbia Records
The Bangles released their first full album All Over the Place in 1984 on Columbia Records -- The Bangles released their first full album, All Over the Place, in 1984 on Columbia Records
Their breakthrough hit was the 1986 single "Manic Monday" -- I would probably use an alternative wording in place of "hit"
This single was released as a track on the album -- The single was released
and went double-platinum -- and was certified double-platinum
and was their first American gold record single -- unlink "gold record" per MOS:DUPLINK
Dickerson wrote that "Manic Monday" and "Walk Like an Egyptian" "open the door to a new audience of female fans" -- suggest maybe paraphrasing "open the door to a new audience of female fans" instead.
In the video for "Walk Like an Egyptian" -- music video is more appropriate I think
Writing in the same paper a few months later, Richard Williams also compared Hoffs to Nicks, writing that Hoffs's "dark eyes -- maybe an alternate wording for the second instance of "writing" to avoid being repetitive
The Bangles had another US number two hit with a cover of Simon & Garfunkel's "A Hazy Shade of Winter" -- maybe had another US number two single instead of hit"
indicating "Generally favorable reviews". -- I think this can be in lower case

I've read up to "The Bangles". Will continue with the rest soon. Pseud 14 (talk) 21:22, 27 May 2024 (UTC)[reply]

on Rainy Day's album Rainy Day (1984) -- suggest changing to Rainy Day's 1984 self-titled album
worth linking - A-side
New York Times critic Janet Maslin panned the movie as -- The New York Times critic Janet Maslin panned the movie as
The album received a negative critical reception and did not sell well. -- perhaps we can say the album was a critical and commercial failure
the album was rated as a "dud" by Christgau. -- Should be capitalized since it looks like the quotation that precedes it ends in period. Alternatively, we can use "It" was rated, since "the album" is mentioned in the previous sentence.
Before leaving Columbia Records, Hoffs recorded tracks with producer Matt Wallace for a follow-up album in 1993–94 – including some songs written by Mark Linkous of Sparklehorse – but the album was not released.[85] -- this standalone sentence could probably be merged into the paragraph it follows.
Billboard reviewed the single, -- Billboard should be in italics
Hoffs contributed vocals to "One Voice", the end credits song for the film A Dog Named Gucci (2016), a track also featuring Norah Jones, Aimee Mann, Lydia Loveless, Neko Case, Brian May and Kathryn Calder. "One Voice" was released on Record Store Day, April 16, 2016, with profits from the sale of the single going to benefit animal charities.[98] -- this can also be merged into the paragraph before it, since it is two sentence long.
Hoffs cowrote songs for the Go-Go's -- co-wrote songs for the Go-Go's (only because you used "co-written" with a hyphen in a previous instance)
about the book included Mark Weingarten in the Los Angeles Times, -- including Mark Weingarten
character he'd created -- needs to be written in full he had created
Fleetwood Mac, Carly Simon, Rod Stewart and others. -- I think it's better to state it as Fleetwood Mac, Carly Simon, Rod Stewart, among others
For some time her main instrument was a borrowed Fender Telecaster -- comma after For some time
wrote a paean -- I would link paean for those who may be unfamiliar.

That should be everything from me. Great work on the article. Pseud 14 (talk) 01:43, 31 May 2024 (UTC)[reply]